It's the vehichle that was shrouded in mystery for a long time. It was the Holy Grail for Cherry Poppin' Daddies fans who had only heard of this magical, mythical contraption. Few were lucky enough to have seen it in action (so to speak), and even less are willing to talk about it (or even want to remember). But now, all shall be revealed! Or as much as possible, anyway!
The thing had many nicknames. The Dildorado. The Dildozer. The Moto-Penis. The Dick Car. It was offensive to some. It was hilarious to others. But dammit, either way, it musta been one HELLUVA sight.
So, let's start from the beginning, shall we?
In 1990 or 1991 (people are still hazy on the dates), John Kohnen entered a float in the annual Eugene Celebration. He was going to have the Cherry Poppin' Daddies play on it during the celebration parade. But on the day of the parade, it rained, and the band didn't show up for fear of getting electrocuted (good call, guys). However, Steve Perry, the perpetual teenage brainsurgeon that he is, came away from this brush with death - with an idea. Why not make one of those little cars that follow the horses in parades, only shaped like a penis?
Over the course of an undetermined time frame, Steve, John, and friend Bill Beemer downed an undetermined number of beers while they worked out the details. Converting a car would be too much work - the erectile mechanisms would be too cumbersome. They decided next on making a motorcycle-type vehicle, but they couldn't find a suitable frame on which to build. Next they thought about using a riding lawnmower. Thanks to Dan Schmid, who found a used riding mower for sale cheap, construction on the Moto-Penis finally began.
They designed the contraption as they went along, finding and using spare parts as they needed. The shaft of the penis was made out of a 55 gallon drum. The motor came from an old Ford V-8. The handlebars were bought at a used bicycle store. The pneumatic (powered by air pressure) cylinders that erect the vehicle were made out of PVC pipe, with discs cut out of an inner tube for seals. And the air reservior was made out of a propane tank. Bill dropped out of the project somewhere along the line, but John continued to work on it, striving to give life to Steve's brainchild. Finally, after months of labor, the Moto-Penis was taken to Gil's Seat Covers to be covered, then to Steve's house to affix the glans, which Steve made himself.
The moment of truth arrived. Steve drove the thing down the block to a gas station to get the air tank filled up (see top picture...happy boy, huh?). Then it was time to test the erectile and ejaculatory mechanisms - right in front of Steve's house. The functions worked - it was indeed able to shoot condoms out towards the street. It was a busy street, and during rush hour, too.
And now, how the ejaculatory function worked. The Dildozer had six barrels (very virile). A wad of tissue paper was first stuffed down a tube. Then you poured in whatever you wanted it to shoot out. And then you stuffed another wad of tissue in the tube to keep the load from spilling out. The compressed air would then force the artillery up and out into the air with a dazzling effect.
The Moto-Penis made its debut at the Erb Memorial Union Ballroom at the University of Oregon, when the Cherry Poppin' Daddies opened for Fishbone (were you there? Email me with details!). The barrels were loaded with condoms, sequins, and popcorn. Why condoms, you ask? Well, a local AIDS activist who was HIV positive agreed to help pay for the construction of the Moto-Penis, but only if it would ejaculate condoms into the audience. And thus, it did.
The Dildozer hasn't been used all that much. The Daddies only played in the Northwest with it. The last time it was used (probably) was in 1996, in Portland, during a big multi-band event, where other bands joined the Daddies onstage to ride the Dildozer.
In the following years, there were rumors abound as to its fate. 1998, it was rumored to be in Jason Moss' garage. It was actually moved to the Official Daddies Storage Unit (it's on Mt. Olympus, where the gods live) and stayed safe from prying eyes and protesting people. In 1999, it was rumored that Steve wanted to get it refurbished and out on the road again.
It's 2000 now. Guess what?
The Daddies really ARE going to get the Dildorado fixed up! Yes, after years of lying limp and dormant, the Willie-On-Wheels will rise up again in glorious virility!
This story is far from over. The Daddies have returned with a vengeance and revived their fabled chariot of potency. Rest assured that I will have more to tell you before the year is done.
Copyright (c) 1999-2000 by Meisje.
Muchas gracias again to John Kohnen.
Email: Dorrit77@aol.com